Cats are Sadists, Dogs are Masochists
by iceley11
Summary: the Japanese love cats, Brittanians love Dogs, and we all love Lelouch. A poor attempt at parody and humor. Credits to my beta LadyKoneko. I love her.


"Majesty, I have brought Zero before you, the man who threatened your throne," Kururugi Suzaku, Honorary Brittanian and soon-to-be-Knight-of-Seven declared in front of the infamous Emperor with his immaculate rollers, 98th Emperor of Brittania, Charles di Brittania.

Silence swept between them for a few moments before a strange wind carrying little dust balls from nowhere blew.

"Well? Where is he?" one brow raised almost unconsciously, the emperor inquired.

"Ah, wait for a moment your highness," Suzaku replied, walking sideways to disappear behind a rather huge pillar.

What were supposed to be whispers echoed around the room _,_filling it with a thunderous sound.

"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be making way for our grand entrance?" A frantic voice asked.

"I did, you didn't hear it?" Suzaku replied in haste.

"I was busy gagging him! He actually bites you know!" Lloyd replied, whining like a little girl at that.

"I know-" Suzaku shot back.

"Wait! This color looks better on him!" Cecile began to apply a deeper shade of lipstick covering up the bubble gum shade that was already there. Zero glared at her and bit down harder on the gag, trying to press his lips together to avoid the humiliation. Cecile smiled and continued to follow Zero's movements trying to finish her task.

"Maybe we should just forget this Llo-" Suzaku reached for the captive, ready to present him to the Emperor.

"Kyaah! Kururugi! Hold him down!" Lloyd shot out as he lost his grip on the struggling Zero, making Cecile miss her target and draw on Zero's cheek.

"Oof!" Zero cried as Lloyd jumped on his back, sending them both tumbling to the floor. Lloyd pulled Zero's arms behind his back and forced him up.

"Oh, look what you made me do!" Cecile cried, as Lloyd began forcing Zero into a box, batting Cecile away as she tried to fix the mistake.

A loud inhuman screech followed before complete silence.

The emperor fluffed and bounced his oh-so-perfectly-rolled hair while impatiently waiting for the re-arrival of Suzaku and his captive. A bored look covered the wrinkly old face.

Moments later, said Honorary Brittanian re-appeared and re-positioned himself in the middle of the room.

"Ehe-ehem!" He looked to his left, no doubt to the accomplice behind that oversized pillar and winked uncharacteristically (so OOC), "A gift for His Majesty, I have brought a present : Zero before you, the man who threatened your throne," he said dramatically, extending his arm to the direction of his accomplices, that crazy Lloyd and his smarter assistant Cecile, who was, by then, dragging a rather huge box bearing the mark of Brittania, covered in purple and decorated with a red ribbon.

His Majesty's brow rose again. "Where exactly is Zero you perverted Eleven?" he finally asked, unable to keep himself from the slight teasing tone. He was expecting a cake and a stripper.

Lloyd proudly walked towards him and handed him a ribbon connected to the one decorating the giant present box.

"Maybe we should skip the –"

Suzaku's statement was dismissed by a dramatic hand gesture from the demented so-called scientist, "haven't I told you yet, dear Kururugi?" Lloyd said leaning forward to a posture that only ballerinas can accomplish, "this wouldn't be a gift if it isn't gift-wrapped now would it?"

_Of all the rotten…_ Charles thought for a moment. Wasn't he supposed to be dealing with a terrorist here? What on earth were these crazy people thinking? Did he really allow his military to hire these people?

Well, after a few seconds, curiosity got the better of him and he pulled on the ribbon anyway. A huge cloud of pink smoke covered the room _'what the hell is with all this pink? I swear if I see any more pink, I'm gonna ban that color!'_ Charles thought as the corners of the box fell revealing a rather uncommon sight.

The emperor wasn't sure how to react properly to this:

There was Lelouch (Zero?), in his Ashford uniform, somewhat tied and covered in a mess of purple ribbons kinda wiggling on the floor (prob'ly trying to free himself, in vain of course), complete with makeshift whiskers, a headband of kitty ears and a tail (wiggling too, Lloyd's invention just for this fic *smiley*), gagged with something purple, his Zero mask lying somewhere inside the room.

The emperor's rolls almost straightened and he fought rather valiantly against himself just so he wouldn't squeal like a schoolgirl at the unwilling display of cuteness. The fact that Lelouch was blushing furiously while glaring at him, apparently trying to look dignified despite his…uh… compromising position just made him want to tease his son more.

But kitties weren't really his thing. They were too… kitty-like for his preference.

"Well, I can't say I dislike the idea," the emperor finally said, noticing the smile somewhat falling from the face of the scientist, and Suzaku letting a sigh, "but I like puppies."

At this, Suzaku's shoulders stiffened up, "ah… I beg your pardon Your Highness, but cats are the best. They are cute and cuddly and their aloofness is so tantalizing."

"Ah, you see, boy, that is you with your eleven blood talking. I am pure Brittanian, and we like dogs better. They are regal and loyal, and they don't cough up fur balls, they are more obedient and thus are cuter." (courtesy of Ai no Kotoba mo Shiranaide)

Lelouch threw an incredulous look at his, now truly proven, idiotic friend and his newly discovered perverted father.

"Idyf! A amf nuf a kiffi orf a fuffi!"

"Shut up, Lelouch, no one's talking to you." The soldier answered like he understood. Maybe he did.

"Does any of this sound silly to you?" a grinning Lloyd asked his assistant, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Not really. Speaking of cats and dogs, did you know that dog-lovers are sadists while cat-lovers are masochists?" was the curt reply.

For a while, Lloyd and Cecile observed Suzaku and the Emperor debate on the issue at hand. The Emperor even ordered a change of costume for his son.

Stripped of the Ashford uniform, Lelouch was now wearing some sort of fluffy black wool over his chest, the same material from his hips a few inches to his thigh, same material over his lower arms and a pair of fluffy shoes. Cat ears were replaced with fluffy dog ears. And the people who'd changed him to this, scratched and bitten, were geassed later.

"Adorable," the emperor concluded, every other person in the room pretended they didn't just hear that, "I order you to agree or else I will strip you of whatever title you have!" he ordered, pointing a finger at Suzaku.

Suzaku Kururugi almost asked _what title?_

Thankfully, Cecile was smart and fast enough. "Please, your Majesty, there are better ways to settle this."

Had anyone heard that part of the conversation, one would've thought this was a grave matter.

"Indeed, may I suggest a third party to decide this matter?" Lloyd had just finished hhis sentence when the trumpets sounded.

"His Highness Prince Schneizel seeks audience with his Majesty!"

_Aww… and I was about to nominate myself…_ thought Lloyd while biting his nails.

Double grand doors opened and in stepped the second heir to the throne.

The moment Schneizel entered the room, all eyes were set on him. They were all thinking of how good his timing was.

The moment Schneizel entered the room, his eyes were set on Lelouch.

Never in his lifetime did Suzaku even think he'd see a dumbstruck expression on the prince's face. It was kinda funny actually.

And since Schneizel thought his Lulu was dead, he didn't think he'd get a chance to see Lelouch in a poodle costume.

It should be noted however that a younger Schneizel _did _think of Halloween costumes he'd blackma- _persuade _Lelouch to try when he was still five.

"Ehe-ehem!" Lloyd decided to break the silence, "Prince Schneizel, how nice to see you've noticed our gift to the emperor.

"Schneizel, I need your opinion." Charles' commanding voice echoed, "we have tried putting this wayward son of mine in a cat costume-" a visible twitch from Scneizel and an audible cry from Lelouch "- and now you see him in this dog costume. Which do you think suits him best?"

"Your Majesty, that's unfair!" Suzaku protested, "Prince Schneizel didn't have a chance to see Lelouch in the kitty costume!"

Ignored.

"Well Schneizel?"

"Bunny…" were the Prince's first words since he entered the room.

And Lelouch was visibly a shade paler.

"What?" was the unanimous inquiry.

"It's bunny season, Your Majesty. I deem it appropriate to follow the season and dress Lulu in a bunny costume." Dramatic hand gesture insert.

Lelouch wanted to _die._


End file.
